Tales Of Gojira
by Gojirob
Summary: Tales Of differing tone and length, all featuring the one true daikaiju, plus assorted friends and fiends.
1. Dragons On The Thames

**Dragons On The Thames**  
by Rob Morris

LONDON, 1999

The woman known only as M looked in disgust at her department's emergency headquarters. She turned to her top agent, a man of both talent and difficulty.

"Commander--I do not like being reduced to this. These facilities were built with the idea that when we used them, atom bombs would be falling outside."

The agent nodded.

"Agreed, M. But if you consider that most of these creatures were rewawakened by atom bomb tests, perhaps this extreme measure makes a bit more sense."

She shook her head.

"Godzilla, certainly. But Manda was a 'Deity' of some kind. Could the Kilaaks be working with the Lemurians? Is London now paying the price for your involvement in The Atragon Affair?"

"No. The People of Mu met their fate, and Manda was directionless, prior to being taken to Ogasawara. The Atragon's Captain is an old and valued friend. He'd have told me to be wary."

Resigning herself to the sparse office area, M sat down.

"At least we have one piece of good news to report. Godzilla has left British waters altogether. He's headed for New York."

He started.

"Again?"

She looked up, and her face showed that she expected better of him.

"Commander, despite CNN and Sky-Channel's proclamations, last year's 'Daikaiju' event in New York was unrelated to 'Shin Gojira' as the Japanese call him. Happily, he's out of the picture. The Americans will already have their hands quite full with the 'Classic' model."

"In any event, M, it hardly matters. Our real worries in this instance are Manda here in The South, and Baragon in The North."

"Baragon? Are You Certain?"

"Some tourists by Hadrian's Wall found him, and snapped some pictures as he emerged. The tourists we found in pieces."

A Department Head is supposed to know all these things, she told herself. But the current chaos allowed no time to be as thorough as she would like. Happily, this agent liked being ahead of the curve, a tradition her predecessor had once urged her to both tolerate and treasure.

"Then we know. The Kilaaks are literally trying to sink this whole island. Wait--wasn't Baragon reported in Paris?"

"No. Another media sound-bite, all speed and little accuracy. That was Gorosaurus, smashing up the Arc De Triumphe."

"Too many of them, Commander. I wonder for our prospects against this rising tide. Tanks and heavy artillery as always, are useless."

The agent was careful not to offer any sort of direct comfort to a fiercely proud woman who had once declared him a relic, unneeded after 1991's watershed.

"M, I once said the same thing, when the foe was more human in scale. Your predecessor then reminded me of Stavros Blofeld. Yesterday, he was almost King over the whole world on three or more occasions. Today, he is a caricature that a comedian named Myers lampoons to good box office results. We both know about turnaround. Keep yourself alive, keep your wits about you, and wait for that moment which nearly always presents itself."

"Indeed, Commander. Even our working truce is an example of that. But the question remains. What do we do about Manda and Baragon? At present, we don't even know from where the Kilaaks are based."

"So long as its not another Volcano."

M was about to chastise the Commander about quips and propriety. But when a battery of secured, supposedly inviolate TV monitors sprung to life, both turned and looked.

"The Heads of British Intelligence Will Surrender To Us. We already control a sizable number of your agents, both those in the field and those in your offices. You Have No Choice In The Matter."

The Kilaak Mistress assumed the form of a Caucasian woman here, just as she had assumed the form of an Asian in Japan. Either way, M maintained her composure in the face of the threats. She was glad to see her agent watching and analyzing the situation.

"I Wouldn't Expect A Mass Surrender, If I Were You, Kilaak Mistress. Modern Britian has a tradition of repulsing Earth's native dictators. I Don't Expect We'll Give In To An Imported One."

"Besides, you Kilaaks left us some of our people. Its a mistake I intend to see that you sincerely regret."

The Kilaak Mistress knew she was being mocked by a mere underling, and was internally furious at this. Externally, though, she kept her eerie calm.

"You sound quite certain of your victory, Mister......"

The Agent Smiled.

"The Name Is Bond......James Bond."

"Then....Goodbye, Mister Bond!"

She faded, and when she did, M slapped the small desk in front of her.

"007, it all makes sense. The Department Heads of Intelligence could give them a measure of control no PM or MP ever could."

"Moreover, M---your predecessor served 30 years--far longer than most any PM. Like the island itself, they're seeking to take out the foundation--or at least the gravel in its cement."

The room began to shake. Bond knew, then.

"M, we have unwanted visitors, and I strongly suggest we pretend we're not home."

"That never worked with my former Mother-In-Law, 007--but I'll try it here."

Some were trying to escape--others were firing at them, as they went. But the reverse course to the Emergency Shelter's hidden entrance by the Seashore was found by almost all the operatives. Two shrieks were heard--Manda's and Baragon's. Manda poked half his body out of the entrance. But M held a remote control.

"I Think Not."

When the remote was hit, doors meant to block the effects of a  
theorized nuclear strike closed on Manda, bisecting him. The remaining  
half wailed in agony, and made for the comfort of cold waters.

The doors were pounding.

"That trick won't work on Baragon, and I suspect he'll be through soon."

But Bond's reputation in these matters was not unearned.

"M, have you transferred all our files to the Shelter's computers, as yet?"

"No, Commander. There's been no time to...Yes, I believe it will work. That terminal in the guardpost should give me access."

As if on cue, the uncontrolled operatives were fired upon by the controlled ones. Bond and a few others answered with fire of their own. M made her way to the terminal, taking note that the Kilaaks had some of her most loyal people.

"Its likely the reason they were targeted. Loyalty can be twisted so easily."

She keyed in the necessary code, and was prepared to hit Enter when a gun was placed right at her temple.

"Kilaak Mistress has directed that you Di...."

M heard a gunshot, but realized she had not been hit. Bond had taken out the assasin. She hit Enter.

"Now, M?"

"Now, Commander, we hope that thing has organs and a brain."

In case of utter disaster, the current M had directed that the shelter be fitted with a series of devices capable of generating a sub-nuclear-type EM Pulse, wiping away any records an invading enemy might find. Needless to say, such a burst would not be healthy for the invaders, either.

There was a blue flash inside the cliff.

Baragon did not emerge.

Later, Baragon's condition would be reported as so grave, he had to 'sit out' the great battle at The Kilaak Base against King Ghidorah. One report said the creature looked like he was falling apart.

M counted all her living, and swore silently to avenge the dead. Bond had kept his head the most level, and had turned the day with his suggestion. She allowed him almost none of it.

"A passably competent job, Commander. Where do you think you are headed now?"

In the distance, Moonlight SY-3 landed and its crew disembarked, to offer what help it could before resuming its mission.

"Can't talk now, M--my ride's here!"

As she watched the great ship take off, M shook her head once again.

"Boys With Toys."


	2. Giants Among Us

Summary: Just because we can't reason with them, doesn't mean that nobody  
can...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------  
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King and Collective  
by Rob Morris

EARTH, 2063

Amid the jungle humidity, the Alpha Drone turned from the targeted organic and  
looked at the others.

"No useable organic was found here."

Beta Drone responded in kind.

"A malfunctioning scanner caused a misreading of this island's lifeforms.  
Simplest flora and fauna only."

Gamma Drone also concurred.

"We shall attempt recovery of sphere fragment lost in Antarctic region."

Delta Drone raised an objection.

"We are Borg. We were sent here to assimilate the organic directly before us.  
All other chatter is irrelevant."

The first three looked at Delta and pointed, speaking in slightly non-Borg  
terms for once.

"You Do It."

Delta Drone quietly informed the Collective of the scanner malfunction. The  
Borg then departed Skull Island quickly, secretly glad that they had never  
awakened the slumbering King Kong.

* * *

Sphere and Superhero  
by Rob Morris

EARTH, 2153

The story goes that the Xindi intended to mark only a certain area of the  
Earth, and then have their prototype split open to reveal their message of warning.  
In fact, they had every hope of taking out the Earth and its inhabitants in one  
fell swoop. The warning message was an afterthought, left on what the Xindi  
considered the off chance of their sphere's downing. But while the finished  
weapon would need an expedition by the Enterprise NX-01 to take it out, the prototype was taken out by one fighter pilot--and he wasn't even using his craft.

From the Starfleet base in Hokkaido, he saw the ugly thing tearing his planet's  
surface apart. Had it been more powerful, even he would have been lost. But at  
this stage of the weapon's development, he knew that one well-placed shot could  
take it out, so long as he was charged enough when he faced it.

Grabbing the relic he had been given by the alien lawman, the human girded  
himself for the transformation that would save the planet. The Xindi would now  
need to rush to build their advanced superweapon, for, by using the Beta  
Capsule----Lt. Hayada became Ultraman. As crescent eyes glowed golden in  
Earth's exosphere, the Xindi and their allies/manipulators saw that Earth had a  
silvery titan for a protector, and that a prototype would not be enough.

* * *

Time-Space And Terror  
by Rob Morris

USS ENTERPRISE, NCC-1701-A, ORBITING CESTUS THREE, 2286

Science Officer Peter Kirk bit down. This was going to be hard.

"Mister Saavik, the enemy's energy processing center is located. You may fire  
when ready."

Weapons Officer Saavik also understood the waste, and was revolted by it. But  
with the Captain and Spock trapped on the imperiled planet below, there simply  
was no choice.

"Understood, Mister Kirk. Targeting energy center. A spread of six photon  
torpedoes. Launched."

Once, it had terrorized ancient Earth, till it was forced to flee its enemies in  
1999. Where it had been till the present was now irrelevant, as its ability to  
move and defend itself was ripped out of its gut by 23rd Century technology.  
The tricephalous nightmare plunged into the atmosphere; quickly burning to less  
than a cinder from the fires without and within, it's many kilotons of mass  
aside. Lieutenant Kirk called down to Auxiliary Control, where the acting CO  
had been trapped by the initial damage from the monster's attack.

"We can beam up the landing party, Commander. The creature is destroyed."

"You and Mister Saavik made a good team on this one, Piotr. The Kyptin vwill be  
pleased. Also, I don't think he vwas happy protecting a Gorn colony."

Since Saavik was coordinating ship repair between the Bridge and Auxiliary, it  
was left to Science Officer Kirk to make the initial report that regulations  
demanded short of total ship's systems' failure. He spoke the words that broke his scientist's heart.

"King Ghidorah has been destroyed..."

* * *

Breen And Beast  
by Rob Morris

The attack on San Francisco was well underway, and so the secondary attack  
force moved out to find a prime target of opportunity. The nearly-programmed  
Jem'Hadar took over the attack on Starfleet HQ. The Breen, who considered  
themselves infinitely inventive, sought out the random target.

They seemed to find it in an odd basin off of Tokyo Bay that appeared  
unnatural. It had high energy readings and read as a deeply hardened target.  
Beneath his helmet, the Breen squadron leader smiled. Surely this was an  
undersea base to which the leaders of Starfleet and the Federation had fled, to  
avoid their wrath. If this place were taken out, the Breen could demand Q'onos  
system from the Female Founder, no question.

The vast tractor beams that had shredded Cadet Hall in San Francisco now pulled  
away the waters that hid the base, while white-hot beams boiled the rest away  
as they re-gathered. Beams that would soon rip apart even the localized  
starhearts of a Defiant-Class's shields tore into the object below. The  
imagined safety of the cowardly Terrans would die with their leaders.

Then, the 'base' began to move. In a moment, it was standing on its hind legs.  
The fighter craft sent in to chip away at its armor were swatted like  
horseflies by an enormous tail that had been mistaken for an exhaust tube.  
Then, a glow first blue, then red, then gold built along an outer spine of  
dorsal fins. The grey-green 'base' fixed its white-eyed gaze on the main Breen  
Base ship. The squadron leader learned to speak one word of Terran before a beam  
like no other emerged from the mouth of the mis-scanned creature, cutting his  
ship in two with no effort.

"Godzilla."

* * *

Seal and Shell  
by Rob Morris

BAJOR, 2378

Their Emissary appeared to them in a vision, on Bajor and on Deep Space Nine.

"The Bajora will no longer allow their chosen place to be grasped at like a  
favored toy among small selfish children. The shell of fire descends from the  
sky, and this shall be the seal to make things right again."

Jake Sisko rushed down to the planet Nog shrugged as he piloted the runabout.

"Tell me you're not going to interview it."

"Tell me you're not going to try and stop me."

Staying above, Colonel Kira watched the shell of fire descend. Her plans to  
leave could now come to pass, as her world would be safe. She ordered all  
monitors tuned to coverage of the landing.

Quark salivated at the thought of all the souvenirs he would sell, possibly  
enough profits to buy Rom's undeserved position, should he so desire.

Separately on Q'onos and Cardassia, Martok and Garak rejoiced. Surely this  
would put down once and for all any 'interventionist' talk on their worlds, and  
let them concentrate on weightier issues. 

Romulan intelligence just sort of crossed Bajor off their many lists.

At last on Bajor, the shell of fire landed. Arms and legs emerged from the  
holes where the fire had been. The great creature stood upright, and roared. A  
fireball emerged from its tusked mouth, as the eyes on its ridged head went  
wide. The fireball struck the distant Fire Caves, sealing them possibly  
forever.

The adults were afraid, but not the children, who knew the monster was their  
friend and protector. It was the beginning of a long, long period of peace in  
two quadrants.

For on that day, Gamera The Invincible came to dwell on Bajor.

--------------

Air And Earth  
by Rob Morris

Her vast rainbow wings moved her through space like it was an ocean of air.

She passed through star systems unguessed at, her multi-faceted eyes taking in  
every detail of the sheer wonder of the life around her.

Her tufted soft hair located in just the right spots kept the eternal vacuum  
feeling as warm as a day in early June.

Her antennae guided her unerringly through the vast cosmos, until at last old  
faithful Sol was in sight, a smile creasing the star-sun for those who could  
see it. Past Pluto, Ouranos and Neptune she flew, laughing at the gentle tug  
she felt from the combined gravity wells at the mid-point twixt Saturn and  
Jupiter. She delighted in brushing against the new atmosphere the Humans had  
placed on dead Mars. They could learn, after all, it seemed.

At last she set down on Earth, letting out small cries of exultation. For she  
swore then that she would wander no more. Earth was her home, and her  
protectorate. She was Mothra. She was Mosura. She was---

"Captain?"

The doors had opened. Paris had warned her just how immersive combining the  
innovations of the VR from Equinox with his own tricks would be. Painfully,  
Kathryn Janeway pulled back her opened arms and resumed a Captain's stance.

"Computer, End Program."


	3. Giants And Strangers

**Giants and Strangers**

by Rob Morris

**SEPTEMBER, 2003**

Studying non-Hellmouth vampire species, Giles learned of the ultra-sized, batlike Gyaos. Learning that they were the natural enemy of a giant turtle named Gamera, he then turned to the Scoobies' native expert on daikaiju--or 'giant strange creatures'.

"Just ask me. I know my Ghidrah from my Ghidorah."

Xander was as good as his word, which annoyed Giles to no end. As Rupert was for the occult, so Harris was for these creatures and their legendary attacks on Japan.

"...nah, we refer to that reporter in Tokyo as Stephen Martin, so as to avoid the obvious pointless jokes..."

"...Biollante and Legion may seem similar, but when you study the expansion pattern..."

"...well, the going theory is that each Gojira attack results in the death of the current one, leaving the then-infant to attack in retaliation against man's..."

"NO! The Ghidorah that attacked in prehistory has no connection to that lame-o in 1991. I mean, a lousy maser company could have torn through those wing membranes..."

This reversal of fortune, with Xander the seasoned expert awash in information and himself the batted-about novitate, finally wore on Giles last nerve. He attempted to regain his footing.

"Makes one wonder why no demon or such has attempted to use these monsters to attack we poor weak humans."

Xander pulled out a folder.

"Doctoral Thesis, Miki Saegusa, late of G-Force Japan. *Any attempt to control the daikaiju is inherently a foolish one. Their shift from an impulsive existence to near-sentience is both geometric and seismic in nature. An effort to ensnare the soul of Gojira will chiefly remind one why the Anglicizing of his name is Godzilla---with emphasis on the first syllable.* See what I mean, Giles?"

After hours of such talk, Giles thought he had his haughty teacher right where he wanted him.

"I have something you overlooked."

Xander walked over.

"Yeah?"

Giles grinned.

"Indeed. It seems that you failed to note that no less a vampire than Buffy's former paramour fought against Godzilla--and lived to tell the tale. Amazing that he pulled off such a feat."

Xander stared at the trading card, disbelieving.

"Giles?"

"Yes, Xander?"

Xander shook his head.

"This says Angilas, not Angelus."

Giles gulped, and this time glanced at the photo, as well as the name on the card. The 50-meter plus creature sported a spiked back and canine snout.

"Well, it's understandable. They're both so broody-looking..."


	4. The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers

**The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers**  
by Rob Morris

( Five rather serious, almost pompous looking Japanese gentlemen enter an office of Monster Control Headquarters in Japan. Their motto: 'DaiKaiju: It's either them or us, and we kinda like us better'. They have rather grave expressions)

Official 1-"Gentlemen, the Monster Problem is out of control!"

Official 2-"If we don't do something soon, we will surely be replaced!"

Official 3- "Our military stands no chance against Godzilla and his like!"

Official 4-"And the contractors who build our weaponry won't keep us in comfort if their useless weapons have no buyers!"

Official 5-"Frankly, gentlemen, our military stinks. Why, just the other day, they were given a hard time by Goldar from Power Rangers!"

Official 1-"Gentlemen, we must find a way to keep our jobs! Who can fight these monsters for us?" (Nervously, looks through the phone book.)

Official 1-"Why, here it is! "The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers"-Kongs Konked, Mothras Swatted, Mechas mashed, and Gappas gopped off!"

Official 2-"They sound like true professionals!"

Official 3-"Let's call them before our performance is reviewed!" (Dials phone, gets response from nasal-sounding secretary)

Sec: "The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers, Hillari speakin: This week's special: We fight King, Death, AND Mecha-Ghidorahs all for one low price! What's that, Sir? I'll check. (Puts down the phone, but does not cover it) HEY, you bums! Somebody actually wants to hire yez! Can you BELIEVE it?( A sound of shuffling feet) Sir, they'll be right Over."

( The doorbell)

Official 4-"Could they be here so quickly?"

(Enter The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers-Moe, Larry, and Curly) All three: "Hello, Hello, Hello- -Hello!".

Moe: "Sir, where's theres monsters and money, we'll be there lickety-split!"

Curly: "Why, coitany! I remember the time that Red King stepped on that bank vault, and we helped ourselves to..."

( Moe slams a large ashtray into Curly's head, to get him to stop. Curly looks at him askance, but does nothing )

Larry: "Hey, you want I should set up the test weapon!?"

Moe: "Yeah, but this time, numbskull, aim it AWAY from our employers!"

( At this, the increasingly nervous officials step back )

Official 3-"Where did you men get such exotic weaponry?"

Curly: "EEEhhh, They're leftovers from the Power Rangers!"

Moe: "Yeah, its a sin what those kids throw away each year!"

( Larry stares at the machine, perplexed)

Larry: "Hey, Moe, I can't get any juice from this thing!"

Moe: "You stupe! You can't get any juice out unless you put some juice in." ( Points to wires on floor.)

Larry: "Curly, you get the wall, and I'll connect these two here". (Curly does as he's told, sending about a jillion volts through Larry, then through Moe, whom he touches, then Curly who tries to separate them. A shadow approaches the window.)

Official 1: "Oh, my, No! It is Rodan!" (Oddly enough, Rodan just kind of hovers menacingly while the Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers shake and yelp from the electricity)

Official 3-"Do something, save us, mighty Kaiju Killers!" (As fate would have it, just then, the device shorts out, sending an arc of energy through the windows, utterly frying Rodan)

Moe:" Did we get im'?"

Official 5-"You surely did, gentlemen. Look!"

( On the street below is a giant, prepared Thanksgiving Turkey on a giant platter)

Curly:"Boy, we sure gave that Boid the Boid!"

Official 4- "Indeed you did, Kaiju Killers. I am convinced. Will you fight the enemy monster on our behalf?"

Larry:"You got it, Sir! If its Ghidorah, we'll take him head-on!"

Moe-"If its Biollante, we'll kick his grass!"

Curly: "If its Megalon, We'll Moiderize im'!"

Official 1: "Indeed, you would. I only can hope you will do so well against Godzilla!"

Moe: "No problem, we'll just..(All three) NYNYNYANGYANG".

Curly:" Er, I just remembered, we gotta fight the Green Monster."

Official 2-"The Green Monster? I've never heard of him."

Moe:" Oh, he's in Boston, sir. We fight him every year from early spring to mid-September. We have season tickets" ( Now looking suspicious )

Official 2: "Oh, really, and what are this creature's distinguishing characteristics!?"

Larry:"Oh, sir. It's got 18 feet and wears Red Sox. Its goal is to rule the World (whispers) "Series".

Moe: "He always gives us trouble, sir."

Curly: "Fightin' the Green Monster requires a harsh diet of hot dogs, beer, peanuts, and those big pretzels they sell!"

Official 5-"But, Kaiju Killers. This is January!"

Larry: "Well, we have to be there for the draft picks, you know! (Sensing defeat, Moe pokes Larry in the eyes, then slaps them both)

Official 5-"Please, gentlemen-destroy Godzilla for us, Please!"

(Huddling together) Moe:" Look, we got no choice. We need the dough! Besides, how tough can this critter be?" TWO DAYS LATER, as the five officials are packing their things.

Official 1-"I must wonder whatever became of The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers. Godzilla left the city, but with a pronounced limp."

Official 2-"They are off on another adventure, no doubt, and wounded Godzilla before they left".

(Together) "ALL HAIL THE GLORY OF THE THREE FANTASTIC KAIJU KILLERS"

(Cut away to Godzilla, still limping. He pauses, holds up his foot's underside, where, now on Eternal Godzilla Watch, are The Three Fantastic Kaiju Killers. Curly's causing the limp.)

Godzilla: -  
DADNDATDATDAT-DAT


	5. Destroy All Beatles!

**Destroy All Beatles!**  
by Rob Morris

JAPAN, 1966

From their hotel suite, the four exhausted lads from Liverpool watched the final destruction of Tokyo International Airport.

"No one make any dumb jokes, kay? But those are some reaallly big critters."

The usual back and forth was gone, and not even John challenged Ringo at this time.

"I never studied any kind of physics. But should creatures like them even exist?"

George chose to answer Paul's query.

"Man insulted nature with the A-Bomb. Nature, she likes to kick back, when ya slap her around."

John was not his usual self. The scene was too absurd, and he kept on hoping to wake up, finding that it had all been chemically induced. No such luck.

"I thought the damned Marcos fiasco was the tail-end of it all! But this never stops, does it?"

Paul walked up to the man to whom he could not be closer to nor further away from, on many occasions.

"Johnny--ya think? This has got us all, but it's got you thrice twice. You wanna make the call?"

Grateful that, despite his aspirations to be their manager, Paul would allow John such an up-or-down choice, a very weary John nodded, anxious to find a working phone and tell his estranged wife that he wished it could have gone better.

"Paul--I do think. If we all live past this, then we're studio homebodies. No more touring."

Ringo tried to cheer them.

"Hey--it was getting hard to put it all on stage, anyway. I've got some silly stuff, I've kept back--now maybe I won't."

George pointed out the window at a battle straight out of Revelations.

"Yer stuff's not silly, Ringo--that out there is silly--and damned scary, too."

With the fateful--and music-history altering--choice made, The Beatles turned on the TV news reports, despite their chilling view of the events only twenty miles away.

"This just in--Godzilla and Rodan have joined forces with Mothra and Angilas to fight off a newcomer--a three-headed, two-tailed dragon who in prophecy is known as King Ghidorah ...now, apparently, Gamera and Ultraman have joined in...perhaps we should not be here."

John stared blankly.

"There isn't anywhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be."

Silently, his friends and the people of Japan disagreed with John Lennon.


	6. Destroy All Munsters!

**Destroy All Munsters!**  
By Rob Morris

Announcer : In the year, 1969, the California Island of Santa Catalina was utilized to create a reserve. Here are imprisoned all of Earth's Munsters. In the past, they had freaked a lot of people out. But here, they roam among their own kind freely.

There is Herman

( We see Herman jumping up and down angrily )

Herman : Darn, Darn, Darn, Darn!!

Annou : The rubberized layer installed beneath the island prevents Herman from sinking through.

( Herman goes flying off, lands unharmed somewhere else, laughs hearty )

Announ : There is also Granpa Munster.

Granpa : We mix a little of this, and a little of that, and....

( His base inside a mountain goes sky-high, and he flies off too, lands by Herman )

Granpa : Sheesh! Maybe I need a little less of this, and a little more of that!

Announ : Marilyn, Eddie, and Lily care for the two pets, Spot--and Rodan.

( Just as in DAM, Rodan catches a few dolphins )

Announ : There is food in abundance.

Rodan : ( Turns and looks at camera ) I don't care what you say, pal---I'm starving.

Announ : Spot is kept back by a special automated system.

( A simple tape recording yells 'Bad Boy, Spot' , as he approaches the perimeter. )

Announ : A special, sophisticated transport is kept for emergencies.

( Of course, its the Munster Kart )

( Later On )

Granpa : Those Kilaaks must have rocks in their heads! Who would be stupid enough to eat one of their control devices?

( Herman walks into things, smashing them mainly by falling over them )

Lily : Only my goofball husband!

( Up in the sky, three energy spheres -- red, gold, and green come together )

Granpa : Boy, I haven't seen fireworks like that since Nero went on his community beautification kick!

( Of course, the energy forms into Ghidorah; Before the creature can act, it promptly falls from the sky and dies, after a shot rings out from the California coastline. )

Lily : Its just as well. What with Spot, Kitty and Rodan, we simply can't afford three more hungry mouths to feed!

( Back on the California coastline, we see a rustic hunter surveying his kill, as Ghidorah plummets )

Jed Clampett : Well, doggy! If that weren't the biggest bird I ever did see!

( In the distance, Ghidorah revives, and comes for Jed; Jethro walks up )

Jethro : Hey, Uncle Jed! I got my Double-Aught Spy Iron Hat all proper n' readdy.

Jed : You mean that fool thing actually works?

Jethro : ( Throws the hat ) Sure! What happens is, it chops a feller's head clean off, and then it comes back to me.

( As Ghidorah rises, the hat severs all three of his heads, which now have dumb looks of disbelief )

Jed : Aw, Boy! That thing ain't worth one of Granny's promises to keep off the moonshine.

Jethro : Reckon you're right, Uncle Jed. Some things jes happen only in the movies.

( The scene closes with a tri-dragon barbecue held by the Munsters; Baragon and Varan are in the background. Granpa sees them. )

Granpa : Get outta here, you crummy freeloaders!!!! No battle equals no food! Boy, the lack of values among today's Daikaiju! What is this world coming to, anyway?

Herman : Now, Granpa! Let's forget about the madness out there and just be thankful for this - Our bastion of Normalcy in a coo-coo bird world. Thank heavens there's no weirdness here! Right, Godzilla?

( Godzilla roars and Munsters closing theme music plays )


	7. I'm Tellin' Ya About Godzilla

I'm Tellin' Ya About Godzilla!

By Rob Morris

(When Seinfeld finished in 1998, it contained a then-new trailer for the 1998 American Godzilla. Now, how much would both pieces have been improved if they had used the old model of commercials being a part of the show itself? Witness a very alternate Seinfeld finale…)

(In his apartment, Jerry sees the terrible weather outside)

Jerry : Not good…but why the evacuation order? I mean, that's a lotta traffic to deal with, just to get trapped in Jersey.

(Thunder outside grows stronger, but is ignored for now as George comes in)

George : Hey—you gonna evacuate?

Jerry : What is it with this evac stuff? I have three clubs to do this week. I am not commuting from Newark.

George : My folks wouldn't go either. My Mom was ranting about it on the cell phone---but then she screamed and hung up. Not that I'm complaining. What's that out there?

(They both see Godzilla in the distance)

Jerry : You don't see something like that everyday.

George : Guess my Mom's not calling back. I should feel free---and I do. Is that right?

Jerry : Did you wish for them to be stomped on by a giant monster?

George : Not—specifically.

Jerry : Then your hands are clean.

George : Yeah!

(Elaine walks in, exasperated)

Elaine : My boss up and decides that I'm not going on the company's annual Broadway jaunt. Says I'm not enough of a team player.

(Jerry is staring out the window)

Jerry : Did they go today? Because I can tell ya, the theater district is undergoing total remodeling.

(Elaine smiles proudly)

Elaine : Who's the team player, now? I—just happen to be the entire team.

George : Good for setting your own hours.

Jerry : Some of those paychecks are gonna keep coming for a while---Miss Head Of Accounting.

George : So what? You think some kid flushed that down the sewer one day?

Jerry : It would make me cranky.

Elaine : Plus, ya know, no one will rent to you then.

(Kramer walks in, looks at what the others are staring at)

Kramer : Ya know, I've been looking for a lizard like that for a long time now.

(The others turn, are almost tempted to ask why, but wisely choose not to)

Elaine : Newman's trying to deliver the mail down there. Is giant monsters in with that whole sleet, hail, dark of night thing?

George : And our big pal sees Newman. He's making a break for it in his mail truck---ooooh—too slow!

Jerry : He just never did well with lizards. I wonder if the post office is hiring now? I have this cousin who could fill his route.

Kramer : My millennium party reigns unchallenged! In fact---Newman's supplies should be completely unguarded.

(As they chatter, Godzilla smashes through Jerry's building; Jerry awakens hours later to see the dead burnt bodies of his friends)

Jerry : Please still be alive! Please still be---Thank God!

(We see that Jerry's beloved Superman statue has survived; He holds it up and Godzilla-roars in triumph)


	8. Button Down Daikaiju

**Button-Down DaiKaiju**  
by Rob Morris

"In the wake of the recent deaths and/or disappearances of Godzilla, Gamera, Mothra and Ghidorah, we of the JSDF now choose to reveal our long association with an American psychotherapist by the name of Robert Hartley. These snippets of phone conversations should shed valuable new light on The Daikaiju Plague of the last half-century."

G54

"Ok--Carol--put him through....Hi, Steve...I see....Yeah, that would qualify as big...You see his face...He's standing on top of a hill...No, no its behind a hill?...Uh, Steve?...I don't think yelling out 'What a big ugly creature' is a really good idea right now....Doctor Yamane's daughter?...Steve....I don't care if she forgot her underwear....I know its been a long trip, Steve....And the wind is blowing....Now he's headed toward the beach?....Big footprints....No, Steve, I don't care how Emiko's dress is illuminated by the sun....Doctor Yamane? Yes, it is a disgrace...To think that science could be perverted in such a fundamental....Oh, You're talking about your daughter not wearing any underwear...Could we get back to Godzilla?....Up from the depths...Thirty Stories High....Uh, Doctor?...No, I realize its just a joke....Serizawa?....Well, how bad could this weapon really be?....Ok, that-that sounds pretty bad...Would it all be one part hydrogen then?....Oh, is that what you've decided....Well, generally, we psychotherapists try to discourage that particular option....Steve?....Well, I'd get out of that press building, then....Yeah, but then, where would you file the story from?.....Emiko?....You're all on a boat to observe Godzilla's death...What If He Doesn't Die?....Yeah, making for shore would be one option--a really good option....Hello?...I see...Well, while I do have quite a bit of disposable income, I don't see buying time-share in Tokyo anytime soon....."

1962

"I was just thinking....If you got the two to fight each other, then....No, sir, I don't think a 75 share in the ratings justifies....Hmmm?....Electricity makes him stronger?"

1966

"Well, Mister Controller....If your controls are-are normally invincible, jus-just set them back to normal....Boy, your signal is really breaking up...Oh, that's your ship that's breaking up...getting some kind of feedback on the line."

1968

"Yeah...Kilaak Mistress?....Look, the mind-control failed, Ghidorah failed, the Burning Monster failed.....No, I don't see where a lawsuit would succeed, either..."

1984

"Mister Russian Ambassador...Yeah, listen....I know those were good men aboard that sub....But any use of the bomb against Godzilla just has an eeensy flaw I-I think you should know about...Oh, I'm terribly sorry...So did he die trying to prevent it or trying to ensure it?...No, I guess that is a moot point...." 

1999 –

( Bob sees Ghidorah, Mothra, Gamera and Gyaos in a free-for-all, tearing up Chicago; Slams fist down )

Bob Newhart : Bob Hartley, Red Lion!

Mary Tyler Moore : Mary Richards, Blue Lion!

Carroll O'Connor : Archie Bunker dere, Green Lion!

Carol Burnette, Yellow Lion!

Alan Alda : Hawkeye Pierce, Black Lion!

All : Let's Go.............

( Oh, let's just go, and leave it there )


End file.
